Learning, Growing and Counting My Blessings...

Sometimes I am a slow learner. Sometimes I am so sure that I know everything and that I know what is best without pausing to consider every angle. Sometimes I don't think things through thoroughly. Sometimes I need to be humbled. Today has been one of those 'sometimes'.

I've been struggling the past month or so. I've been struggling a lot. I've felt unappreciated and unfulfilled. I've felt like I've needed something more in my life because my mind is becoming idle and will soon turn completely to mush. I decided I needed to go back to work and that would be the solution, the outlet that I needed. I was excited; this was going to be great. I applied for and was offered a part-time RN position; I was looking forward to getting back into nursing. This was going to be the perfect job. Minimal hours, with no weekends, evenings, or holidays. I began jumping through the required hoops to get back into the health care field; I filled out paper work, took the drug test, had a TB test, had my blood drawn to check my titers for certain diseases, and I got that tetanus shot that was nearly six years over due.

The first time I knew I had made the wrong choice was while I was sitting the Human Resources office signing a stack of papers. I suppose I knew without a doubt that I was doing something I shouldn't but I brushed off the feeling, telling myself it was just nerves. Over the next couple of days I felt a little uneasy but I continued to make daycare arrangements for Damon and plans for the girls to walk to school from the babysitter's house. By Friday night, I was a bundle of nerves and I was really confused. Everything had fallen into place so easily, certainly this was what I was supposed to be doing, right? After church on Sunday I finally told Brent what was bugging me. I told him how I was feeling but also that I felt like this was a good opportunity for me and something I needed and wanted to do. He said he would support whatever I decided and encouraged me to at least give it try, otherwise I would always wonder if it would have worked out. I felt better for a minute and decided he was right. By Monday I was uptight again. I kept telling myself that I needed to try this new job, that the hours would be minimal and I would still be able to be home with the kids most of the time. I felt sad as I dropped Damon off at preschool, knowing that I wouldn't be the one to do that every time after this week. Over the next 24 hours I took notice of the stay-at-home moms with whom I came into contact. They all seemed happy and content so why wasn't I? I used to be.

This morning I decided I needed to clean the family room in the basement. Damon followed me and wanted to help dust and vacuum. I listened to him chatter as we worked. I asked myself why I thought I wanted to be away from this little person who loves to be with me. I wondered why I thought I wanted to leave my house to work elsewhere. Don't I have enough to do at home to keep me busy? I realized that I like taking care of my home and I take pride in having a house that is neat and organized and has a homey feel to it. After Damon and I finished with the family room, I checked to see who had updated their blog since the day before. I was excited to see Stacey had a new post. I love reading her blog. If you ever need a good laugh...her's is hilarious! Anyway, I got through about half of Stacey's post and I had to leave to take Damon to speech. I dropped him off and hurried home back to my computer. I finished reading the post just laughing. Then I clicked on the 'comments' so I could leave one and also read what others had written. One of those comments just jumped at me; well, it was more like a slap in the face. It said something along the lines of "a good husband works hard so the mommy can stay home with the kids because thats where mommies are supposed to be." Or something like that. Whoever wrote that comment wrote it for me, I am sure. I knew that I could not in good conscience take this job. As I wandered through my house I began to take note of how blessed I am. I have three children that I love more than life. I have a beautiful home. I have a wonderful husband that provides well for our family and because of that, I don't need to have job. I realized I am blessed to be able to stay home. My stomach was in knots as I returned to get Damon from speech. I had to wait for a few minutes so I did some more soul-searching. I had a "David moment" as I sat there in the car. The brief moment between consciously making a decision and acknowledging that I was actually going to follow through. The weight I had been carrying on my shoulders for the past five days was suddenly gone.

When we got home, I fixed lunch for Damon and then made sure he was occupied for a few minutes. I spent some time on my knees and a few more minutes meditating just so I could make sure I was being smart this time. I really wanted to talk to Brent so I called him. Lucky for me, he had about five minutes to chat while he waited for his patient to go numb. I told him how I'd been feeling. He said it sounded to him like a stupor of thought. I agreed. He reminded me that we did not need the money. I agreed again. Then I asked him what his gut feeling was regarding my intent to return to work. He said he would support me in whatever I decided to do and that I should do whatever I felt I wanted/needed to do. I didn't consider that an answer to my question so I asked again what his "gut feeling" was. He said if he had a gut feeling it would be on the side of religion. I didn't say anything and he asked me, "What does religion say about it?" I answered, "That I shouldn't work."

I made the necessary phone calls and declined the job offer. I would have been working in the same department as my sister and I felt bad about that. It was something I was looking forward to. I explained my situation to her. Julie, thanks for not being mad and for understanding.

The rest of my day has been care-free. Despite what some of you may think, I love being a mom and a wife. I love the responsibility of taking care of my family and running a household. I love doing the mundane things like laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, fixing meals, helping kids with homework, and taking the stinky dog for a bath. I love being able to volunteer in the girls' classrooms and making sure Damon gets where he needs to be. I love watching out the front door as the girls catch the bus each morning. I love being home when the bus drops them off after school and hearing about the day's excitements, adventures, and disappointments. I love the security that comes from knowing that I am reachable if one the kids get sick at school and needs to come home. (This actually happened today. Brooklyn called an hour after I turned down the job. She had a stomach ache and a fever. I was glad I was able to bring her home.) I love being available to do things for Brent that he can't do while he's at work.

Today was wake-up call for me. I learned that I need to make big decisions more carefully and prayerfully. I learned I need to wait for answers rather than taking things into my own hands. This is difficult for me, as I am not a patient person. I have learned that when I KNOW the Spirit is talking to me that I should pay attention and not brush it off as nerves. I am grateful for my education and for the credentials I have but today I learned that the Lord has blessed my family and allowed our circumstances to be such that we don't need a second income. I'm grateful for that and for the opportunity to reach my potential as a mother because that is what I need to be focused on right now. I still feel like I need another outlet. I don't know what that outlet will be, but I know that re-joining the workforce is not my solution.